[Info-tech] FW: The best complaint letter EVER!!!

[Fitim Skenderi]

> .............................................................................................................................................
> Fitim Skenderi
> Software Architect
> Sonaq Ltd
> Telephone: 0141 572 6470    
> 
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-----Original Message-----
From: Grant Salvona 
Sent: Thursday, 18 October 2001 14:08
To: Mark McLeod; Fitim Skenderi; Sam Goodwin; Andrew Morgan (E-mail);
Alun Borland (E-mail)
Subject: FW: The best complaint letter EVER!!!


 
> Subject: OT Real Life Customer Complaint Letter to NTL
> 
> This is brilliant.....the guy REALLY knows how to complain!!
> 
> 
> =============================
>  Dear Cretins
> 
> I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I 
> signed up for your
> 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.
> 
> During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy 
> of service
> which I had not previously considered possible, as well as 
> ignorance and
> stupidity of monolithic proportions.
> 
> Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can 
> either pursue
> your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these 
> difficulties - or
> more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading
> material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking
> vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:
> 
> My initial installation was cancelled without warning or 
> notice, resulting
> in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse 
> waiting for your
> technician to arrive.
> 
> When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57 minutes 
> listening to
> your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying 
> Scottish robot woman
> telling me to look at your helpful website.... how?
> 
> I alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing with 
> my testicles
> for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt 
> both familiar and
> highly adept.
> 
> The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks 
> later, although
> the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a
> drill-bit, and his cerebrum.
> 
> Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 
> several further
> telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks) my 
> modem arrived
> ... a total of six weeks after I had requested it, and begun 
> to pay for it. 
> 
> I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is 
> roughly 35%...these
> are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday 
> to Friday, and
> most of the useful periods over the weekend.
> 
> I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 
> telephone
> calls on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have 
> been unhelpfully
> transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who 
> are it seems also
> highly skilled bollock jugglers. 
> 
> I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and 
> someone will
> call me back); that no telephone line is available (and 
> someone will call me
> back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows 
> whether or not a
> telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be
> transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is
> available (and then been redirected to an answer machine 
> informing me that
> your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone 
> who knows
> whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been 
> redirected to
> the irritating Scottish robot woman)...and several other 
> variations on this
> theme.
> 
> Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have 
> at least a
> thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also 
> another one of
> those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. 
> Frankly I don't
> care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my 
> frustrations in
> print than to shout them at your unending hold music.
> 
> Forgive me, therefore, if I continue. 
> 
> I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of
> god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, 
> could be more
> disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering 
> service to
> their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, 
> there isn't
> anyone else is there?
> 
> How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable
> dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of 
> bastards you
> truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum - 
> incompetents
> of the highest order. British Telecom - wankers though they 
> are - shine like
> brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your
> seemingly limitless inadequacy.
> 
> Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and 
> foolhardy quest to
> receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you do 
> likewise, and
> cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the
> services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically 
> failed to deliver
> - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity 
> and disbelief -
> although these feelings will quickly be replaced by derision, and even
> perhaps a small measure of bemused rage. 
> 
> I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from 
> my cats litter
> tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for 
> both you and
> your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become
> desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at 
> the time of
> posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not
> experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. 
> Consider them the
> very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and it's 
> worthless employees.
> 
> Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you
> irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.
>